I wrote a while back that, given the choice, I’d vote for a stinking turd for president rather than Donald Trump.
How right I was: A stinking turd, for example, would not have pardoned the January 6 rioters. A stinking turd would not have imposed universal tariffs. A stinking turd would not have threatened to take over Canada and Greenland. A stinking turd would not have posted a video of itself, wearing a crown, piloting an aircraft, and dropping … .
Well, okay. I agree with the turd on three out of four issues, and on the fourth, it’s a push. Go with the turd.
In case you’re disturbed by my position, note that I don’t actually favor putting stinking turds in the White House. I’m anti-Trump, but I’m not really pro-turd.
So please take this next statement in the spirit in which it’s intended: The Democrats’ next presidential nominee should be a straight white male.
I’m not homophobic, femalephobic, or minorityphobic.
I’m just anti-MAGA. And the best way for Democrats to defeat MAGA is to nominate a straight white male. Nominating anyone else might cost the Democrats a few percentage points of the vote, and that might cost the Democrats the presidency. That would be a disaster, so straight white male it is.
I’m thinking only about swing voters in swing states. If Pennsylvania comprises Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, with West Virginia in between, I’m thinking about those West Virginians. Might a few percent of those West Virginians, consciously or not, cast a ballot in favor of a straight white Republican man instead of a Democratic candidate who was different? I think so, and I’d hedge against that.
Cory Booker, Wes Moore, Pete Buttigieg, Abigail Spanberger, or Gretchen Whitmer would all be fine candidates for president. But not now. Not when it matters so much.
I’d take Gavin Newsom off the table, too. Newsom is awfully polished and awfully slick. But California is viewed by too many Americans as the land of fruits and nuts. And California has too many prominent issues — such as homelessness and the high cost of living — that could be deployed against Newsom. Sorry, Gavin. Do what the Republicans so often like to suggest: Go back where you came from.
I’d take Josh Shapiro off the table, too. Since he’s the governor of Pennsylvania, he’d surely carry Pennsylvania in a presidential race, but I fear that his religion might cost a few votes in other swing states, such as Michigan or Georgia. I wouldn’t risk it. (For what it’s worth, I share Shapiro’s religion, and I wouldn’t nominate myself, either. I’m not an antisemite; I’m a realist.)
If I had the choice, I’d pick my candidate either from one of the swing states, to carry that state in the presidential election, or from some other state in which a Democratic politician has shown the ability to appeal to independents in a conservative area.
At this point, I’m not sure who I’d choose as the Democratic nominee in 2028. But I’d pick from among straight white males to increase the chance of winning in an election dominated by, to use Hillary Clinton’s word, deplorables.
I realize that I’ll draw criticism from the progressive left for what I’ve written here: “Herrmann, you idiot! A straight white male won’t energize the base! How do you think Mamdani won in New York? The key is to motivate people on the left to vote.”
I beg to differ. The forces of anti-MAGA don’t need to energize the left. No matter who the Democrats nominate, anti-MAGA will win in California and New York. We don’t need bigger margins in those states.
Democrats must carry the middle in Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Arizona, North Carolina, and Nevada. To my eye, that calls for a slightly left-of-center candidate who won’t offend anyone: Straight, white, male it is.
And, on further reflection, maybe we should rule out a stinking turd, too.
Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and later oversaw litigation, compliance and employment matters at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Drug and Device Product Liability Litigation Strategy (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at inhouse@abovethelaw.com.
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